Our Hardships
by AnimeAddikt93
Summary: Misaki and Usagi have been together for six years. Misaki is sitting in the park remembering the good and bad times they went through
1. The Break Up Part 1

**Author's Note: Sorry it's been so long since I've written anything. Summer work for school and whatnot. I'm a Junior! Yay! And now to the story **

I sat alone in the park. The trees swayed while a powerful wind blew on and on. It'd been like this for a couple hours. The sun was setting now. Usagi was late again. Any time he told me to meet him after a business trip I'd wait and wait for hours. It's been six years since we met today. Usually Usagi is good with occasions like this but not today. I remember back when I first met Usagi. I was so scared to be with him. So ashamed to tell him I loved him. I couldn't admit that I was in love with him, a man. I couldn't admit to myself or anyone else how I felt. I felt pathetic. That's why I fought him with every fiber of my being. That's why I pushed him away so many times.

Now I stared down at the ring I was so proud of. What had it taken us to get here? So much…it was dark now. I packed up the picnic I had arrived with at two o'clock, and dragged everything under a nearby tree. Everytime Usagi was late it gave me some time to sit here and think. If I got too thoughtful around Usagi-san he thought something was wrong. I'd think about nothing and everything at once. About how much I've changed since I met Usagi-san. Now I was 24. It seemed like I'd never get to that age. Things were so serious now. I wasn't a kid anymore. I kinda wish I was though.

I sat here thinking of all the memories, the good and the bad. I remember that night when I broke up with Usagi. It was four years ago. It was after I turned 20. Because of some business trip Usagi hadn't been home when he said he would be. I remember getting so mad that I was crying. I thought he'd found someone else, or just liked to play with my emotions. I was sick of being lonely. That night I picked up the phone. I really don't know what got into me, but I dialed Usagi's number. Originally I planned to yell at him and make him feel bad.

"Hello? Misaki is that you. Perfect timing I just got back to my room so we can talk for a while. Is anything wrong? Are you okay?" I heard him flop down on the bed. I remember thinking "how could he be so carefree? What makes him think he can leave me alone like this?"

"We can't be together Usagi-san. I'm all alone all the time. I don't want to be lonely anymore." I was crying a lot then. I could barely understand myself.

"You're joking right? Misaki don't say things like that." Usagi was serious.

"I'm sorry." I hung up and made my way around the house shoving my things into my backpack. I took all I could carry and ran to the train station. Nii-chan's house wasn't that far away, just a ten minute ride. He'd moved closer a year before then.

I locked myself into the room my brother gave me. I cried loud. I couldn't help it. I knew he was worried about me, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to curl up and cry. I wanted to cry and not be judged for it.

"Misaki, Misaki! Open the door. Manami and I are worried. Just tell us what's wrong. We'll listen!What happened? Takahiro sounded so desperate. I couldn't even breathe let alone talk but I opened the door. Nii-chan looked shocked. I looked in the mirror and saw why. I looked horrible. My eyes were red and puffy and my hair was a mess. I looked a bit homeless.

"Misaki what happened?" Manami steered me towards the bed.

"We broke up…well I broke up with him. I was so lonely. It still was barely an excuse. I was just being stupid and now it's too late to take it back. I just didn't feel any happier lately…not happier than before like I used to be. There's still no one…still alone. It doesn't matter what I do." All I can remember is looking down at my feet. I was too ashamed to look up.

"Him?" Nii-chan looked at me questioningly. "Who?"

"Who do you think!" Were they really that stupid. Everyone else seemed to catch on quickly. "Usagi-san!" Nii-chan and Manami both turned pale.

"How long?" This wasn't helping anything.

"Since the first day I went by." I lie back on the bed and counted the ceiling tiles. I hated silence. I was much more comfortable in a place where people were talking. I should've just kept my mouth shut.


	2. The Break Up Part 2

**Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews! Here's the next chapter…yay**

Now I was sitting here thinking…what the hell did I just do. I'd never be able to him again now if I wanted to. Nii-chan and Manami left the room after I didn't say anything. I closed my eyes tight. It didn't feel right sleeping here all alone. I was cold and it was too dark without the lights of the train set. It was just as lonely as before, but it was worse because it wasn't familiar.

When I woke up that morning I decided to forget Usagi-san. I acted like nothing happened yesterday. I acted like nothing happened at all. Before I knew it I was feeling okay. Was it really possible to erase someone from your mind? Could you just get rid of memories when you didn't want them anymore? I tried my best to.

It worked for a while. I dated other people. Some girl from high school and another from college. None of them were like Usagi though. That thought was in the back of my mind always. It kept creeping closer and closer. I wanted Usagi-san to kiss me and hold my hand. I wanted him to hug me and watch tv with me. I wanted to tell him things I told no one else. And so I stopped dating and going to school.

Before I knew it I had dropped out. I spent all my time in that tiny room in Nii-chan's home not feeling welcome or loved. Part of me kept thinking "I just want to go home." What home? It's not your house and you are not welcome there anymore. Conversations with myself repeated over and over in my head. I would blast music so I couldn't hear myself think.

Three months passed. Three months before I had enough. In my pitch black room I turned on a tiny light and wrote a note to Nii-chan. I had to go back to Usagi-san no matter what even if I lost my brother. So packing up my backpack full of clothes and other belongings I quietly left that night lying the note on my bed. That night it was snowing and the wind was on full blast. I made my way to the condo on the top floor and kept my hand in the air ready to knock.

I knocked softly. To my surprise I heard footsteps. Usagi opened the door. We stood in silence staring at each other. He'd win this round I could already feel the tears coming. My eyes stung and everything turned blurry. All I could do was throw myself into those inviting arms and cry.

"Just forgive me Usagi-san. Don't say anything." Even while trying my hardest I couldn't stay away. Maybe that was a lesson I needed to learn the hard way. Nothing was easier when I was without Usagi-san. I shouldn't have been so stupid.

"We should talk Misaki." He led me into the once lively living room. Everything that was left was in boxes. The couch stood covered and abandoned in the middle of the living room. I could see all the rooms were empty by looking up the stairs. I noticed Usagi had his keys in his hands. He was just about to leave. I was almost too late.

"You're leaving." I looked around. All the memories…everything seemed to have faded away. The walls were a fresh coat of white and everything had been replaced in the kitchen.

"We're leaving. To live closer to the publishing house. I was just about to come kidnap you when you arrived. You won't have to be lonely now." He really did think of me…

"I liked it here Usagi-san." There were so many memories…good and bad.

"This is so we can be together all the time." Like it used to be when I first moved in. "We have to go. It's a long drive." With one last look at what used to be my home I left the condo. The keys were dropped over and we headed into the parking garage. A familiar red sports car was waiting. Something to look forward to.

I held Usagi's hand as he drove. I'd never go anywhere again not even if he got a wife. It was too much to bare being alone and alienated at Nii-chan's. I was on my way to a new life with Usagi-san.


	3. The Break Up Part 3

**Author's Note: My internet didn't work for whatever reason so I wrote out a couple chapters. They should be up soon! Maybe all of them tonight. Enjoy**

We were in the middle of nowhere. I looked around and there was nothing I noticed. Usagi had his eyes focused on the road and didn't even glance my way, but he would squeeze my hand once in a while. He seemed just as nervous as I was. I could tell there was some excitement to him though. I was just afraid. Afraid of what I didn't know and had never seen.

He turned into the middle of some forest. There were still roads though, and as we got farther in the houses became bigger and more extravagant. My eyes were glued to the outside. I wasn't sure how to react, so I just looked at the scenery. This was far away from everything. Right now that was exactly what I wanted.

The car suddenly stopped. I didn't want to let go of Usagi's hand but I had to get out of the car somehow. When he went to pull his hand away I moved closer. After a long time of this I was halfway in his seat, and he was just staring at me with that amused smile that got on my nerves.

"You can't let go. We haven't held hands in months."

"Then how are we getting out?" He was laughing. It was louder and more beautiful than ever. I couldn't help but smile when I'd usually be mad.

"You go first and I'll follow you." I was being a bit ridiculous and I knew it. I missed simple things like cooking dinner for Usagi and holding his hands, even if they were oversized and freezing. At Nii-chan's Manami cooked and no one was there to hold my hand when I needed them most. That thought depressed me all over again. "It'll be just us now. You probably won't hear from Nii-chan again."

Usagi looked a bit confused. It seemed to click in his head after a minute. "You told him."

"I wasn't planning to. He's just such an idiot." I closed my eyes tight and let go of Usagi's hand. I seemed to drown in darkness when I did. The change must've been visible because I felt Usagi's hand tight around mine. I opened my eyes. "Let's go inside."

Usagi got out and crawled over the seat and followed still hold his hand. The place was big, but not as big as the other houses we'd passed to get here. Usagi pulled out a set of keys and opened the door. "Go ahead." He nudged me forward and let go of my hand. He turned on a light.

We were in a corridor. In the corner was a small couch and it was decorated with masks and other things. The walls were wood paneled. All in all it was kind of creepy looking until I spotted on familiar giant bear on the couch. I never realized how much you could miss a stuffed animal. I picked up Suzuki-san and walked on.

I stopped when I reach two staircases. One went up, and the other down. I didn't know which way to go first. I chose the upstairs. There were a couple bedrooms, Usagi's study, and a bathroom. I stopped at a bear shaped sign that read _Misaki's Room. _I nudged the door open with my foot and looked back at Usagi-san. His face didn't show any emotion. The carpet was plushy. I felt around on the wall until I found a light switch and flipped it on. I dropped Suzuki.

The room was the size of Nii-chan's apartment. There was even a bathroom. A huge closet held a bunch of clothes that were obviously new. I could feel my mouth in that little "o" shape of surprise. A little set of stairs lead to my bed. Everything was great except one thing. The room was decorated in little bears that looked like Suzuki-san. The wallpaper, the sheets, everything! It was perfect in a way, but I'd never be able to invite anyone in here.

"Aikawa picked everything out. Do you like it?" Aikawa…she was always the mastermind behind these things. I did like it though.

"I like it. It's a little big." I looked around. "I like it here though. It feels like home again." I got up and walked down the hall to Usagi's room. It was exactly the same just bigger with more toys strewn everywhere. It smelled like him already.

I walked downstairs and down the other set of stairs. I stared ahead at the best kitchen I'd ever seen. I turned around and ran up to Usagi. "You're the best!" I hugged him as tightly as I could manage. "Oh my god!"

"What?" Usagi looked around.

"You're blushing!" Usagi turned and looked in the mirror.

"Well that's never happened before." What? Never? He was no longer the best and the urge to kill was rising…but I wouldn't ruin this night not for anything. After a quick tour of the house I returned to my room. I flopped down on the bed and closed my eyes. I was asleep before I could open my eyes. In the middle of the night though I woke up to the scent of shampoo, soap, cigarettes, and something very much Usagi-san.


	4. The Nightmare Part 1

**Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews. Just got my internet fixed so I should have less sporadic updates. **

The streetlights flickered on one by one in the park. I flipped through pages of a manga I couldn't see. I hugged my knees to my chest. My impatient waiting was turning into worry now. I hope Usagi was okay. I was so tired. It wouldn't be a good idea to fall asleep here though. It was a neighborhood filled with rich people that barely came to the park though. That didn't mean they weren't bad.

Maybe if I kept my mind going I wouldn't fall asleep. It's not like I wanted to anyway. That reminds me of a time I didn't sleep for a long time…

After moving into the new house everything was great. I'd wake up every morning in Usagi's room or my own and untangle myself from him to make breakfast. Without school getting in the way I could always get things done on time and be able to practice some new recipes. At that point I'd made up my mind and decided to become a chef of some kind.

Everything was going great until one night. I had a horrible dream. I was walking around the house looking for Usagi in my dream. I couldn't find him anywhere. I went into my room. The door slammed behind me. I thought it might be Usagi, but turning around I was alone. I tried to open the door but it wouldn't open. The room went black. My feet felt wet. I bent down and touched the floor. It was soaked. Water was rising and I was trapped.

I woke up suddenly and sat up. I was covered in sweat. I fell out of bed. I looked at the sheet. Oh my god. I totally peed. I stood up and peeled myself out of my drenched clothes. The door opened and Usagi walked in.

"What's wrong? I heard a loud noise." He was staring at me expectantly. I was standing naked next to my bed.

"Just go back to work." I walked into my bathroom and filled the tub. Usagi walked over and looked at my bed, then at me. I sat on the bathroom floor hugging my knees and waiting for the tub to fill up. He was going to laugh at me I knew it.

Instead of laughing Usagi came into the bathroom and hugged me tightly. "Are you okay?"

"It was just a bad dream. I'll be okay." I climbed in the tub. Usagi left and went back to his study. Honestly I was more scared than I had ever been. I'd never had a dream that gave me this kind of reaction. I ducked my head under the water and tried to clear my mind. Maybe that's what the dream was about…I doubt it though.

I got out and changed my sheets, taking the others downstairs and throwing them in the washer with extra detergent. I grabbed some fresh pajamas, changed, and made my way back upstairs. I kept the lights dim as I lie down with my eyes closed. This time I was too afraid to sleep. Before I knew it it was morning and I had gotten no sleep.

I dragged myself out of bed and to the kitchen. I poured the coffee in the wrong cup and glass shattered everywhere. I fell right in the middle of the pile hands first. I'd never seen anything so red. I just stared for a while. I heard Usagi on the stairs, but didn't have a chance to move. I was too tired. I'd made a mistake I constantly yelled at Usagi for making. I guess when you were tired you couldn't tell the difference.

The pain took me out of my thoughts. The floor around me was red now. Usagi ran over. I sat back against the wall. "I'm sorry Usagi-san…I'll clean it up." It was then I realized what had happened. I poured the coffee in the wrong cup it shattered, but at the same time I dropped the coffee pot. When I slipped my hands landed not only in glass but burning hot coffee. A little cup wouldn't have caused this much damage.

Usagi picked me up and walked out of the house. He sat me in the car. "Where are we going?"

"You need to go to the hospital. No arguing." He sped the whole way there.

I woke up with my hands wrapped up tight. I was in my room and Usagi was sitting on the bed watching me. It seemed like my hands were pulsing. I closed my eyes again.

"Does it hurt Misaki?" Just like Usagi. Always worried. I guess that was a good thing in my case. Normally he would've slept through a crash like that. I must've made some type of noise…

"It hurts a little." It hurt a lot though.

"Take these." Usagi gave me two small pills and some water. After a couple minutes the stinging stopped. I sat up.

"What happened?" I hated that face. That pained face. It made me want to curl in a ball and die. And so I didn't answer. I just hugged Usagi close because I wanted to be held. I didn't want to talk, or admit to him what I did wrong. I barely did anything right but a few things. I ruined some of that today. I caused trouble and that's what I hate most.

**Author's Note: So I put what I was listening to on my last update so I'm going to do that from now on. Music helps me determine moods for my stories and gives them a bit of a soundtrack. So if you like Korean music this time it was Only if I Have You by Loveholic. **


	5. The Nightmares Part 2

**Author's Note: Sorry for not updating for a day or too. I was sick and had loads of homework. Here goes it. **

The next morning I made my way downstairs to make breakfast. The painkillers had me asleep all night. I was relieved. I didn't have to deal with Usagi's constant questions while I was sleeping. The kitchen floor was gleaming white again. There wasn't a trace anything happened yesterday. Only the faint smell of bleach reminded me of my accident. There was almost no memory though except for my bandaged hands.

I had everything on the table by the time Usagi made it down the stairs. There was no coffee of course just hot tea instead. Usagi didn't looked pleased that I was up and about but he didn't say anything. The doorbell rang and he went to answer it leaving me sitting at the table. I was expecting Aikawa so when Nii-chan walked in I got unexpectedly tense.

Sudden pain snapped me into reality. I realized too late I had clenched my hands into fists. It was my usual way of dealing with any stress that passed me. I never thought twice when doing it. I never knew anything could hurt so much. I hid my hands under the table. Fortunately Usagi and Nii-chan were busy with greetings.

"Just in time for breakfast." I was pretty sure my voice sounded normal. I set out a couple plates carefully. Thankfully Usagi wouldn't let me do anything myself. "So, Nii-chan what brings you here?"

"Usagi told me you were hurt." Damn him. I really wasn't ready to see Nii-chan this soon. Why couldn't he just go home. "And that you've been having problems lately."

I glared down at my plate. It was just like Usagi to do something like this. I knew he was worried but he didn't have to go behind my back and do things. Jerk. Stupid Usagi-san.

"You're not eating." I shot a glare at Usagi. It's the first time I ever saw him look remotely afraid of me.

"I have no appetite." I looked out the window and stayed silent. If they thought I was saying anything they could bite me. "I was tired and I poured coffee into the wrong cup that's all." My hands instinctively pulled into tight fists, but this time I winced. Usagi could read my expression even if I corrected it in a second. There was no fooling him.

This time it hurt too much to fake anything. I rested my head on the table and took deep breaths. "Misaki what's wrong?" Usagi's no nonsense tone. I looked down at my hands to see how bad it was. I could see red seeping through the bandages and dripping onto the floor. I lifted my hands slowly. "What did you do?"

"Just shut up. You're not helping. I didn't do it on purpose. You think I'd do anything that hurts this much…" I said too much. I was picked up again and hauled into the car this time with Nii-chan in the backseat.

I had to get stitches…again. This time I was fully aware though. It was a nightmare. I passed out. I was awake while we were in the car, but I kept quiet and kept my eyes shut.

"…so you two have been going out for a long time? Are you serious about this Usagi-san?" I was in the backseat I could tell by the way I was stretched out.

"Of course I'm serious Takahiro. I love him and he loves me." Everything was quiet then. I was carried up to my room and put on the bed. I never had a chance to change out of my pajamas anyway. Usagi left and the room was dark. I stared up at the ceiling for hours until I finally fell asleep.

I was walking around the house looking for Usagi but I couldn't find him anyway. Figuring he'd be in my room I went upstairs. I walked in and found Isaka sitting on the bed.

"Oh thank god! Have you seen Usagi-san?"

"He's with me now. With both agree you're not best for him. You'll just be a burden." The words were like a slap in the face. Isaka got up off the bed and went to leave.

"No! Wait!" He pushed me and I fell backwards hard. My breath was completely gone. The door slammed and water started to fill the room. It was faster this time and I was still on the floor unable to breath or escape.

I woke up from my own scream. I sat up gasping. I could barely breathe. I touched my face. Fresh tears were still spilling out of my eyes. I turned on the lights to find blood all over the sheets. Where was it coming from? I was dying.

Usagi and Nii-chan came running in at the same time. I was trying to catch my breath and get out the bed at the same time. I toppled out of bed before Usagi could make it over to me. "I'm sorry…I'll fix it." Nii-chan stood in the doorway in shock. "It was just a bad dream Usagi. I'll be okay."

"You said that last time. I don't believe you." That wasn't a shock. I made my way to the bathroom and took my clothes off. I turned the water on then sat and waited again.

"Misaki…" I hated when Nii-chan looked at me like that. It's been going on since mom and dad died. "Why are there scratches all over your back?" I froze.

**Author's Note: Poor Misaki. I love him XD So this time I was listening to Kiss Me Goodbye (the live version) by Buck-Tick. This one was a bit suspenseful. See what happens next time. Reviews are nice :) Suggest things. **


	6. The Nightmares Part 3

**Author's Note: Thanks for suggestions**_** JessieSinnFold. **_**And thanks for reviews to everyone else. Enjoy!**

The one thought blasting through my mind was would these scratches have been there if I fell in that spot? I assumed the blood was from my hands but when I looked down and they were fine I had no clue what happened to me. Scratches all over my back…that would've happened if I hit the floor hard like in my dream.

That wasn't possible. Something must be on the bed. It could've happened when I fell off the bed. That was it. I sat in the tub with my knees hugged to my chest. Usagi and Nii-chan were talking in the other room just loud enough for me to hear.

"You didn't tell me these were the types of problems he was going through." Takahiro was standing with his hand on his head. He hand his glasses off which meant he was extremely agitated.

"I wanted him to be the one to tell you if things got worse Takahiro." Usagi was stripping everything off the bed. He put the sheets in a trash bag. Then he started making the bed over again. It was all wrinkly and sloppy. For some reason this was hysterical. I couldn't stop laughing.

Usagi walked in and stared at me like I was crazy. "What is so funny?"

"You can't make a bed Usagi-san." He looked back at the bed and started laughing. "Hey Usagi-san?"

"What?" He sat on the edge of the tub.

"Tell Nii-chan to go back to sleep." He stared at me for a while and then got up. He left with Takahiro for a couple minutes. I got out of the tub and put on new pajamas. I sat in the middle of the bed.

"Did you want to ask me something?" Usagi looked dead tired so my plan might just work.

"Stay with me." It was embarrassing. I had a feeling that if Usagi was here that the bad dreams would go away.

"Are you really that scared?" I guess I was. All my dreams revolve around me being alone again. Even though I had Nii-chan he wasn't there most of the time. For so long I was by myself. That's why I didn't believe Usagi at first when he said he loved me. I didn't think I'd be able to have anyone.

"You're like a nightlight. I'll be able to sleep without being scared." Now that I think of it since we moved here we haven't stayed together. Usagi was always up working late so I went to bed on my own. We'd barely kissed since then.

Usagi turned out the light and sat down next to me on the bed. I could hear thunder outside. A storm that's what my mind was like right now. I lie close to Usagi and listened to his heart like I always used to before I went to sleep. The steady pounding always made me tired. I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes open at all. Now I wanted to hear every second. Like always though I found my eyes slowly closing.

I was walking around the park. Looking for something and nothing all at once. I wanted answers. I was uneasy. My mind was racing. It started raining. It was freezing. I started running but it felt like there was ice in my lungs. Then on a bench someone I recognized came into view. Usagi Chichi! What was he doing here? I walked over.

"Have you seen Usagi-san?" So I was looking for him again.

"He went off to America to further his studies. I guess he doesn't care about you since he didn't bother telling you. And what could he mean to you that it took you so long to know? He's been gone for a year." What was he talking about?

"Gone, he's gone?" I collapsed on the ground. When I looked up I was by myself.

I opened my eyes. It was morning. Usagi was sleeping soundly. I untangled myself from him and went into the bathroom. At least I didn't wet the bed or anything embarrassing. I was covered in sweat though. I splashed cold water on my face. What did Usagi mean to me? I heard him get up. Water was splashing over the sides of the sink and unto the floor. I turned off the water and sat on the floor.

"Misaki are you okay?" That worried tone. I hated it. Why did I have to be so much trouble to everyone around me?

"Usagi…to me…you mean everything…you mean everything." I had to say it out loud so he would know. He had worries too. He had to know I loved him. "I know what you mean to me…so why do I keep having dreams where I'm all by myself. There's no one for miles and miles. I'm just drowning in cold dark blackness."

I felt his arms around me tight. And I let myself cry. Because Usagi wouldn't laugh at me or judge me. He'd just hold me.

**Author's Note: Okay so this chapter was kind of a filler to finish out Usagi and Misaki's first night together even though things were tough. Listening to Like The First Time by T-ara ~Korean. Let me know what you think **


	7. The Nightmares Part 4

**Author's Note: I think I'll be updating more than once today so here's the first chapter. **

I sat in the waiting room of some stuffy office. Usagi wanted to come with me, but he wasn't allowed. He was also mad that all my sessions with this new therapist were private. I think that was the point. That I could say anything and no one would know about it.

"Misaki Takahashi." Some overly cheerful receptionist walked over. I looked up. "Oh. Well you're younger than I thought. Dr. Hizaki will see you now." I followed her down the hallways. Everything looked the same. It was like a maze. It felt like jail though. The one door that was a bit darker and bigger than the rest was my destination.

I walked into the office. It was a little bright. I sat down in a chair. A girl at a desk was reading something. She must be Dr. Hizaki. She looked up. "Reading your file I thought you'd be in your late twenties. How old are you Misaki?"

"I just turned 20." I traced the lines on my bandages and tried not to look up again. I didn't want to be here at all. I wanted to go home and curl in a ball. I wanted to hide from everything. Hiding was easier than facing your fears. I'd always been afraid of doctors and therapists. Something inside made me scared of them. Maybe because when I was younger I was taken to so many of them after my parents died.

"So, Misaki why are you here?" I finally looked up. Her hair was blonde. It was dyed that way. She had a little too much makeup on, but Dr. Hizaki was pretty. She had her own type of beauty.

"Honestly, it's because of a suggestion. I don't like doctors or therapists. I try to take care of my own problems without involving anyone. I've become a burden to someone I love though…so I agreed to come here and see if anything would help me out."

"Alright. I'll start by asking some questions." I hated questions.

"What happened to your hands?" Not that again. I guess I might as well answer this time.

"That night…I had a nightmare. After I woke up I didn't get back to sleep. I heard Usagi-san's alarm go off. He takes a while to get up so I went downstairs to start breakfast. I almost fell over a couple times. I should've taken that as a sign and went back upstairs to lie down." I played with a bear left on the couch. "I made coffee and got everything out so I could start cooking. I poured the coffee in the wrong glass though. It shattered and fell on the ground. I'm not sure what I was thinking. I went to grab part of the cup that was still all together." I stared out the window for a while.

"I forgot the coffee pot was in my hand and I dropped it. I fell forward though because I was still trying to catch that stupid cup. I fell hands first on all the glass and coffee. I don't remember thinking anything then…but cleaning everything up before Usagi came downstairs. I was thinking straight though because blood scares me a lot." I remember how terrified I was. Mostly that Usagi might get mad.

"Who is Usagi?" I hadn't noticed Dr. Hizaki got up and moved to the chair across from me.

"He's the guy I love. The one I cause so much trouble." Usagi must be growing tired of me.

"Would you like to tell me a bit about him?" I thought therapists were supposed to write things down. She was just sitting here though.

"Usagi-san was my brother's friend for all his life. He helped us out when our parents died although I never met him until I was 18. I wanted to get into M university. I'm not the smartest person though. He offered to tutor me for free."

"Why would he do that?" That's what I thought the first time I went over there.

"Well…Usagi-san was in love with Nii-chan." I wonder if I was supposed to be saying all of this.

"Then how did you two end up together if he liked you brother?"

"Usagi-san is forceful. I'd never thought about being with anyone before I met him. I wasn't exactly content by myself, but I wasn't looking for anyone either. The first day I went over I found out something and that was you should never wake him up." I remember that day so clearly. I always forget things but not when it comes to Usagi. "I don't know what made me stay after that. He interested me I guess. Maybe it was because he said I was cute. I don't know. I never had anyone like me before him."

"Forceful? Does Usagi hurt you?" Hurt me? Not on purpose. Rarely if he does.

"No he'd never do that."

"How much older is he?" I hated thinking about the age difference between us. I couldn't understand certain things he was going through.

"He's ten years older than me." The look on her face told me she was shocked. Disgusted? I wasn't sure. "I'm always concerned about that."

"Did it ever bother you that he liked your brother?" Yes.

"All the time. When I asked about it once, Usagi told me I wasn't a replacement. That he fell in love with me that night when I cried for him. It was when Nii-chan told us he was getting married. I wanted to hurt him then because he couldn't see how much Usagi loved him. I had no feelings for Usagi then. I was just sad. I pitied him I guess." That was the night we first kiss. The night I saw Usagi cry. I was the only one.

"It didn't take me long to fall for him. I wouldn't tell him that though. He'd get all conceited." Then I'd never walk again. Which reminds me, Usagi hadn't tried anything even after we haven't seen each other for three months. You'd think the first night we moved in I'd have to lock myself in the bathroom for protection. Maybe I need to give him some attention.

"Well our time is up today. See you next Tuesday Misaki." I got up and left without saying anything. That was a waste of time and money. Anyone could ask me those questions. Nii-chan and Usagi were waiting in the car. I stopped at the vending machine and bought some drinks. I slid in the backseat of the car.

"How'd it go?" Nii-chan turned at looked at me.

"I stole her bear." I sipped on my juice. Usagi and Nii-chan just stared at me in shock. Nii-chan took the bear and walked back inside.

"Why'd you do that?" Usagi was looking at me and I knew he was trying to stay serious.

"So he'd leave for a while." I leaned forward and kissed Usagi. Just a peck. I saw Nii-chan walking back out of the building where Dr. Hizaki's office was. Literally a minute. I acted like I was handing Usagi a drink and sat back down. I wonder when Nii-chan was going to leave.

**Author's Note: Kohaku- D'espairsRay ~Japanese**


	8. The Nightmares A sub chapter

**Author's Note: Sorry. I was sick but now I feel okay enough to type so here it is!**

I hate feeling exhausted. The car ride from that office to the house was long and annoying. I would hate to fall asleep in the car though. Having a nightmare in here would be worse than at home. So I was currently sitting in Usagi's backseat losing my fight against sleep and being lectured for stealing some stupid bear so we could have literally one minute alone.

"Misaki you've just never done anything like that before." Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Shut up Nii-chan.

"It was an impulse. I like bears." Judging by room I had a feeling he'd accept this. "And I haven't been in my right mind lately." My juice went warm. Ew. I rolled down the window and chucked it out the side.

"Misaki!" What was wrong now?

"Eh?"

"Why'd you just throw that out the window? We were going so fast I couldn't see where it landed. Maybe you hit someone!"

"Nii-chan I think you've become a nag since you got a wife." Silence. Usagi had his mouth clamped shut and his eyes were half closed. If that face was supposed to look normal….anyone would know he was fighting laughter. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. He lost it.

By Nii-chan's face he'd never heard Usagi laugh the way I did. I couldn't help but join him. When I first met Usagi I was under the impression that he was perfect. I'd been living with him for a while now. He constantly fell down the stairs when he was tired or slipped on water. He did any number of hilarious things and he laughed just as much as any normal person when it happened.

You wouldn't know that though unless he has let his guard down around you. Since Usagi was perfectly comfortable around me I was used to his random outbursts of laughter. They still made me all smiley like a little kid but I got used to it.

"What kind of reaction is that Usagi-san?" My stomach hurt from laughing so much and every time I looked at Nii-chan's face it got worse. It finally got to the point where Usagi pulled over. We were immature. When we both realized we were idiots we stopped laughing.

"You…" Nii-chan pointed to Usagi and left his hand in the air. He tried to say something but couldn't.

"Let's go do karaoke." Usagi and Nii-chan turned and stared at me. I pointed to a building. "Best karaoke for miles."

"I've never done anything like that." Of course. Usagi has flown across the world but never bothered to do karaoke. Nii-chan probably didn't want to but I'd force them.

"Don't make me get out and go all by myself." That threat was enough.

Once inside I grabbed the songbook and began looking for something fun to sing. Nii-chan was going to need a drink or something. Better put in an order for that. This was going to be fun. I planned on observing. I needed to something fun before I went to sleep so I wouldn't have any nightmares. Someone familiar walked by. I peeked my head out the door.

"Kamijou-demon!" I said it too loud and he turned and looked at me. "Ah!" I stuck my head back inside. He walked over and yanked open the door.

"Takahashi!" He had a book ready. Who brings a book to go sing karaoke?

"Usagi-san save me!" I hid behind him. Kamijou dropped the book.

"Akihiko-san." He looked over at Takahiro and then at me. "What is this! Why are you with this kid?" I peeked over Usagi's shoulder and stuck out my tongue. "Hey! Chibisuke!" Chibisuke? He was just as short as I was.

"If I'm Chibisuke you're a mini man!" Sleep deprivation gives you unneeded courage. I covered my mouth and hid again.

"Hiroki this is my boyfriend." I felt my eyes about to pop out of my head. I imagined I looked the same as Takahiro. Kamijou looked even more shocked though.

"Hiro-san." Oh! It was Nowaki from the flower shop. He stopped working there when he went off to study. I hadn't seen him in such a long time!

"Nowaki-sama!" I launched myself up to get a hug.

"Sama?" I think Usagi got an aura just now.

"Misaki-chan!" Eh? Chan. I wasn't some cute play thing. I guess compared to everyone in this room I was. He was always so warm. He was forgiven.

"You two know each other Hiro-san. Misaki always came by the flower shop and got baby romanticas. A whole bunch." I always got Usagi flowers when it was the only thing I knew he liked. Nowaki was so nice.

"He was a student up until a while ago." I'm glad I didn't have to see Kamijou-demon's face every day.

"I've been having some problems. I dropped out because of that." I didn't tell Usagi but these nightmares started when I broke up with him. They weren't so horrible. I'd just wake up a little scared and go back to sleep. I found myself later and later to class every day and eventually I stopped going all together. Now I wanted to be a chef.

"Problems? Is everything okay?" Nowaki looked at my hands and at my tired face.

"It's nothing." That came out wrong. I sounded scary, like I wanted the subject dropped. I did. I meant to sound nice like the-don't-worry-yourself kind of a way. And now it was awkward. "It was nice to see you Nowaki-sama." I turned and walked back to my seat where I flipped through the song book.

The rest of the night went smoothly. Nii-chan got drunk and sung every pop song he could find. I laughed and had fun with Usagi. We got to hold hands and sneak a kiss when Nii-chan got too into a song. All in all it was exactly what I needed. How I sounded earlier was haunting me though. It was replaying in the back of my mind. _It's nothing. It's nothing. It's nothing. _I couldn't stay happy.

**Author's note: Paparazzi-Lady Gaga **


	9. The Nightmares Part 5

**Author's Note: Sorry to keep you waiting. Slow updates lately **** Enjoy**

I went to go to the bathroom. I splashed water on my face. Looking into the mirror I didn't recognize myself. I looked so tired and defeated. I looked down at my worn bandages, at the bags under my eyes. _I can't believe this is me. _When did I get so weak? Had I always been this way? Is this what everyone saw when they saw me?

Nowaki stepped out of a stall and came over to the sink. I had the watering running and was staring into the sink. I stuck my face down in all the water. It was freezing. I picked my head up slowly. I looked no more awake than before. Now I was soaked. I leaned on the counter. I was tired. I couldn't hold my head up anymore. Nowaki ran out. He came back with Usagi. By then I was wobbling back and forth trying to keep my balance. I fell into Usagi's waiting arms.

I woke up in the backseat of the car. Nii-chan was staring at me with a worried expression. Usagi was driving with his hands tight on the wheel. He was stressed out. It was supposed to be a fun night out. Man why couldn't I have stayed put?

Usagi picked me up and took me to my room. He dropped me on my bed and started stripping me. It was then I realized how sweaty and sick I felt. He plopped me in the bathroom. I looked around at everything. I felt drunk. I couldn't see anything straight. I had to stare at things a couple times before realizing what they were. Usagi washed me off. I just stared at him. Into his eyes. He was so worried.

Getting out of the tub I suddenly felt sick. I turned and threw up in the toilet. That just made me even more nauseous than before. I wanted to lay down. I didn't have to sleep but I needed to lie down. After I got my clothes on I crawled into my bed. Everything was spinning.

"I'm gonna go call a doctor." Usagi walked out. Damn it. No. I closed my eyes and despite my fear I fell asleep easily.

This nightmare was like every other one jumbled into one. Everywhere I turned someone told me I wasn't good enough. _You'll just ruin his career. He doesn't love you. You aren't good enough. I won't let you two stay together. It'll never work out. _

I shot straight up. I was sitting in the bed like that when I noticed everyone was in my room. They all looked shocked and just stared at me. I was soaked again. I felt sick with everyone in here watching me. I put my hand over my mouth. I knew I was crying. I threw up. I could feel myself shaking.

There had to be something I could do about this. I needed to figure it out soon whatever it was.

**Author's Note: Yeah this was seriously short and yeah I didn't even listen to a song but I don't feel good still so I tried my best. **


	10. The Nightmares Part 6

**Author's Note: I'll have a longer chapter to make up for everything. **

A doctor was staring at me in awe. What was everyone so surprised about?

"What?" My hair was sticking to my face and it was really annoying me.

"You looked completely fine until a minute ago." Nii-chan was standing there with that worried expression on.

"Yeah. Well that's how it works. Can everyone please get out?" I didn't look up as everyone left but Usagi. I started my routine of stripping down and yanking the sheets off my bed. I threw everything in the pile and got in the shower. I stood there and stared at the bear wallpaper boarder around the bathroom walls.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for a very long time and stop when I ran out of tears. So I did. And when I cried it was hard for me to stop. When I came out of the shower my bed was made and Usagi was gone. My room didn't seem welcoming though. My bed seemed like a prison. I walked pass the guest room where Nii-chan was now sleeping. I heard the doctor leave. I went downstairs and down to the kitchen.

I started baking a cake. I wasn't getting anymore sleep tonight. Peeking around the corner I could see Usagi trying to figure out how to wash clothes. He put in a little too much soap but it'd be okay. I made some tea and put it on the table for him. He sat down and stared into the cup for a while.

"Misaki you've been crying. What can I do for you? Nothing." I hated seeing him so torn apart.

"That's not true. Come here." I placed the cake in the oven and stood in front of the counter. I held out my hands. Usagi changed my bandages like he'd been doing for me whenever it was necessary. He didn't understand that I was the one who felt completely useless. Usagi could do something for me though by being there. I hugged him tight. It took him a while to hug me back mostly because he was shocked.

No matter what anyone said we did belong together. I found it out the hard way. By leaving him I found out I couldn't live without him and in the end on the same day we were running back to each other. I needed to face my fears head on. That's exactly what I planned to do. I could see the sunrise from the kitchen window.

"Usagi nothing remains forever…but love does right? When you die does your love die too?" He pushed me back a bit to look at me.

"When did you become insightful?" Me? No way.

"It's just a question Usagi-san."

"I don't really know how to answer. I'd like to think you can love forever. Maybe we can prove it." Now wonder why I loved this guy.

"Don't look at me with those eyes." Usagi knew just as well as I did who was here. And when was that jerk going home to his wife.

"What eyes?"

"You know." I took the cake out of the oven and put it in the fridge to cool. I sat down and drank some tea. "Usagi-san get some sleep. I need to catch up on cleaning." He looked at me for a while and walked out of the room without a word. I started scrubbing the floors and walls. I vacuumed everything. I dusted and wiped the windows down. When I finished I iced the cake and drew little bunnies on it in icing.

Then I walked upstairs quietly. I went into Usagi's office and looked around until I found what I needed. I wrote down Usagi's dad's number on a piece of paper and made my way downstairs. I sat on the couch in the den cellphone in hand for a really long time. I finally dialed the number and waited.

"Hello?" Crap. I didn't think he'd answer so easily.

"This is Misaki." Silence. "Usag-Akihiko-san probably wouldn't call you himself, but we moved. It's a bit closer to you. I know you don't have the best relationship…but you might want to know where he is." This was the only way I knew how to start conversation.

"Why would you tell me this?" I heard the shuffling of papers in the background.

"Well…I know you don't think I'm fit to be with him…I'm just trying my best to change your mind. I'm never going to be without him. You might want to get used to me." I could hear him laughing.

"Honestly I didn't think you'd ever have the guts to do something like this. I am grateful though. I wouldn't have known where Akihiko went off to. Thank you for that. I have work to do though." The line went dead. One down, two to go. Now I just had to find Isaka's number and confront Nii-chan.


	11. The Nightmares Part 7

**Author's Note: Sorry for making you wait so long! Here is the next update **

I wasn't surprised to see Usagi behind me. I knew he was angry. I could practically see the steam rising off of him. I patted the spot next to me on the couch. That seemed to confuse him so much he just walked over and sat down. After snuggling close and getting comfortable, which confused him even more, I started to talk.

"Usagi-san it's not really my business or my choice, but you should at least let your family know where you are. I figured it was too far away to pull anyone away from their schedules and if they tried to find this place they might get lost. I saw no harm in it…I'm not expecting some happy reunion and I honestly don't want one. I hold a grudge against your family for trying to separate us and worrying me. Those worries get the better of me and things happen." I looked down at my hands and thought of all the nightmares I found so terrifying. I woke up every time thinking _those aren't as scary as my old nightmares after my parents died, but they scare me so much more. _

"I'm surprised you could hold a grudge against anyone. I'm not surprised you'd act nice though." He was quiet for a while. "You never got to be much of a child either though. You have more experience than I do, but we're the same."

It hit me like a slap in the face. I wasn't expecting him to say that. Even though I'd been thinking for years that same thing. After my parents died Nii-chan had to take care of me so he worked a lot. I was home alone though. I had no one to play with or talk to. I learned to cook and clean well so I didn't cause trouble. The childhood I had I can't remember well…Usagi-san can see right through me.

_He's the one. _It pulsed through me as I thought it. I couldn't look at him enough. I never got tired of thinking of him. He waltzed through all my carefully constructed walls like it was nothing. He left me gasping for air when he didn't know it. Just thinking about him was enough to make my heart pound. Now I could hear it loud and clear. I moved closer little by little until my lips were just there.

Upstairs I heard Nii-chan getting up. I pressed my lips against Usagi's before I lost my courage. If I stopped I'd be too embarrassed to work up the strength to ever do something like this again. I was getting too deep though. Usagi pushed me back when Nii-chan was at the bottom of the stairs frozen. He looked terrified. I realized it was because of my face. I was pissed.

"I'll make breakfast." I got up from my comfy warm place next to Usagi to leave the tension in the room that was going to give me a headache. I got lost in my mind once I started mixing and frying. Usagi stood in the doorway watching my every move. I could tell by the look on his face he was about to attack me. Now Nii-chan lingered closer than ever making everything impossible.

I reached up to the top cabinet. Man, why was I so short? Even on my toes I couldn't reach anything. Nii-chan stared at me. I wonder if he was going to help. If I climbed on the counter again Usagi would yell at me for "almost killing myself." I felt Usagi press against me as he easily grabbed the bowl I needed from the top shelf. I leaned against him.

"Not that one." He looked at me for a second before he caught one. I stood on my toes. "When is he leaving?" I whispered it as quietly as I could. Nii-chan watching me like he made a big mistake. He was never going to leave now. I needed to talk to him though.

"I have no clue." Usagi grabbed a different bowl and put it on the counter. He walked out casually despite my brother's face.


End file.
